As I got out of the shower this morning I could hear Zach screaming. He has recently decided that if mommy is more than two feet away from him that it is just entirely too far. I knew the screaming would stop as soon as I picked him up, but also that once I picked him up there was no putting him down unless I wanted the screaming to commence again. So I stuck a pacifier in his mouth as I rushed around trying to get dressed and make myself presentable for work.
I went to my closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, threw them on, and then sat down to put on my shoes. As I sat, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror next to my closet and thought, "Damn, I look good!"
I honestly don’t remember ever feeling that way about myself before. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt like I was fat, whether I was or not. The shirt I put on this morning has not been worn for probably two years, if not more. The last time I wore it I couldn’t even button it, it was so tight. I used to always wear it open with a tank top under it. Even the sleeves fit tightly on my arms. It has a little bit of stretch to it, so it still worked and didn’t look too bad (or so I thought at the time). Today I put it on and buttoned it up without even giving it a second thought. When I saw myself in the mirror, I was amazed at how loosely it fit.
I have really been beating myself up lately because I have been totally slacking on the dieting. There has been so much happening in my life in the last couple of months that it has been near impossible to control exactly what I am eating. I finally got back on track last week and re-lost 3 of the pounds that I’ve been fighting with during that time. As of today, I am back down to the weight that I was 6 weeks ago, with a total loss since November 1st of 31.5 pounds.
What surprises me the most, even though I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal, is that for the first time in my life I really feel comfortable with my weight. Ten years ago I would have thought that I was huge at this weight, but I’m not a teenager anymore. I am quickly nearing 30 years old. My metabolism has most likely slowed way down. I have a beautiful baby boy that I carried and gave birth to. My body is not the body of an 18-year-old girl and I am satisfied with that.
I do plan to continue the diet and try to reach my goal. That will require me to lose another 26 pounds yet. If I feel this good now, I can’t wait to see how good I feel then. If it weren’t for those nasty stretch marks and the jiggly baby tummy that Zach left me with, I might have even considered buying a bikini to wear at the lake this summer!
I’ve been afraid to say anything because I’m really scared that I might jinx everything. So, I’m not going to tell you that Zach has been sleeping through the night on a pretty regular basis for about a week and a half now. Or, that lastnight he slept for an amazing 11 hours straight without a single peep out of him. I certainly can’t tell you how my body is reacting to the whole getting to sleep thing and that the more sleep I get the more I want. And, no, it sure isn’t me who has been falling asleep at 9:00 or 9:30 every night and actually sleeping until 6:30 the next morning.
I’m also not going to tell you that I am almost done with the whole breastfeeding thing. That would make me too sad. Not sad in that I want to continue breastfeeding, but sad because he just doesn’t seem to need it anymore. Sure, he still yanks on my shirt when he is hungry, but that’s just because he has learned to tell me like that. He’s perfectly happy with a bottle…or sometimes even a sippy cup…of formula. I will miss that quiet bonding time with him.
I’m not going to tell you how my baby is almost 9 months old and is not very baby-like anymore except for the fact that he cannot speak in full sentences or walk upright without holding onto something. And, I’m not going to tell you how sad it makes me that he is getting so big and has a mind of his own. I don’t want to admit how he no longer needs all of the snuggling and cuddling that we used to do because he would rather be in the floor playing with his piles and piles of toys. I don’t want to talk about how he has become such a picky eater and I can’t just shove a jar of mashed up baby food down him in ten minutes when I’m in a hurry. I definitely am not going to talk about how watching him learn to be more independent almost has me in tears.
So, I’m not going to tell you all about any of that. You’ll just have to wait until I’m ready.
Over the last couple of days I have read many blogs talking about the coming of spring and I just can’t help but get excited. We got a little taste of it over the weekend and I want it back! Spring to me is all about renewal. I love seeing the trees and flowers blooming, the grass turning green, and the sun shining brightly. It gives me an energy that I don’t have at any other time of year. Oh yeah, then of course there is this too.
Saturday was an absolutely beautiful day here. I woke up with the sun shining through my bedroom windows and started the day in a great mood. We lounged around the house for a bit and then when I just couldn’t stand it anymore I had to get outside and experience the nice weather. For the first time EVER (well, in a very, very, long time anyway) I actually convinced hubby to go for a walk with me. We put Zach in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood. It felt great to be outside and Zach really enjoyed it.
While we were strolling around, we decided to have a spur of the moment get-together with some friends. We called up my sister and a couple of other friends and invited them over for a barbeque. We had a great time eating, drinking, and visiting. Then we all settled down and watched the movie "Just Friends" which was hilarious. (I broke down and allowed myself to drink 4 absolutely wonderful margaritas. They are totally off-limits with my diet since one 12 oz. margarita is more than half of my daily point intake, but damn they tasted good!)
There is always a bad side of spring also, which we experienced this weekend as well. Living in the midwest, you just can’t escape the possibility of thunderstorms and tornados. Sunday was proof of that. Fortunately, our area and all of my family and friends were spared. Hubby was on call for work and was out most of the day due to downed power lines and such. He was amazed at some of the destruction he saw in Lawrence and other areas. He has lived through hurricanes but was still surprised at the damage that was caused by the storms.
Unfortunately, the storms brought the cold back and I’m now anxiously awaiting the return of the Spring weather. I’m a little bummed out, but I known that the cold won’t last much longer. I’m ready for flip-flops, tank tops, and sunshine. I can’t wait for afternoons in the park, having a drink on the patio, barbeques, baseball, and letting Zach play in the grass. It’s just around the corner.
If there is one thing I have learned in the last 2 weeks, it is that when you are hurting words of encouragement from friends and loved ones can help to ease the burden on your heart. In the days preceding and following my brother-in-law’s funeral so many people offered kind words and thoughts to our family. I tried to stay strong for my husband, his brother, their parents, and my sister-in-law and help them to work through the grief they were facing. I tried to be as encouraging and loving as I possibly could for them. Of course I was grieving also, but I like to think that my strength helped to hold them up at a time when they really needed the support.
When we returned home Friday afternoon I felt numb. I was exhausted from the week and I guess things were finally starting to sink in a little bit. Over the weekend I had a really hard time getting my mind off of what had happened. Even on Monday, the reality of the situation still hadn’t completely sunk in. As the week goes on, I think each day I am processing a little bit more.
I don’t really know if you ever completely recover from a heartache such as I have experienced. A good friend helped me to realize that even though it pains us that he is gone, regardless of the circumstances, it was his time to go. I am sure that somewhere, somehow, something good will come out of his death and we will most likely never know what that is.
I am finally starting to feel like I am ready to move on. My life needs to return to some kind of normalcy. Hubby and I have started getting back to our regular routine. There is a closeness between us now that has been missing for quite some time. This experience has really pulled us together. Our love for each other and for Zach is fiercer than ever before.
I am feeling like writing again. The last couple of posts felt forced. I felt like I needed to write, but it was hard to get the words out. This post has flowed quite easily. I have been reminded once again of how strong the blogging community is. Even though I don’t have a huge amount of readers, those that do read regularly know me. Your comments this week have helped to comfort and encourage me in so many ways. I may not have replied to all of them, but every single comment was appreciated.
After everything that happened last week I find myself thinking that the things I write here are just so insignificant. I find myself wanting to write so many things but the words will not come. My life has changed so much in one short week. I cannot even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. Perhaps in time the words will come, but until then I suppose I will continue with the insignificant daily drivel that has become my blog.
One highlight of last week was that I finally attended my very first Mardi Gras parade and tasted my first King Cake. The parade was a small one in my hubby’s hometown and nothing compared to the New Orleans parades, but we had a decent time considering the circumstances of the week. We arrived in Louisiana early Tuesday morning and by that afternoon hubby was needing to get out of the house for a bit and get his mind off of the situation we were facing. So, we loaded Zach up in the stroller and walked down to the parade. The parade was nice, but mostly just a distraction for us. Here are a few pics from the parade:
