March 2007

I’ve been hinting around lately that my blog is going to be a little more public soon and today is the big day.  A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a writer at the Kansas City Star who wanted to feature my blog in an article he was writing.  At first I was pretty excited about it, but then I had to stop and think for a few minutes.

Up until now I have kept this blog very private.  I only recently decided to share it with my husband and even that was a big step for me.  Allowing my name to be printed and associated with this blog is a pretty scary thing.  It means that anyone who does a google search for my name has an all access pass to my innermost thoughts.  Well, the innermost thoughts that I choose to publish online anyway.  It means that my family, my boss, and anyone else who really wants to find me can and most likely will.  The chances of the article sliding by unnoticed by anyone I know are very slim.  A lot of people around here read the paper.

I debated back and forth about whether to back out, but in the end decided that maybe it is time that I come out of the closet.  My biggest fear is that someone will read my words, take them the wrong way, and be offended.  It may be scary, or even downright terrifying, but at the same time I imagine it will be very freeing.  I no longer have to hide something that has become such a huge part of who I am. 

I think I may be making a big deal about nothing really.  I guess I’ll find out soon. 

You can read the article here, if you haven’t already seen it (You have to click on the link to "Meet More of KC’s Bloggers" to get to me.  I’m the last one).  If you have read it and followed the link here, welcome!  Please leave a comment and say hello.  If you are family and you are discovering my blog for the first time, um, I’m not sure what to say really.  Enjoy?

If you are new, you’ll find that my writing is a little sporadic in content.  You might want to check out some of these recent posts to learn a little more about me:

• No Longer With the Band
• The Day That Changed My World
• The Drive
• Music of 1996
• Looking Forward Instead of Backward
• A Few of My Favorite Things

And, because I’m just nice like that, here’s a list of other blogs featured in the article:

• Surrender, Dorothy
• K City
• Death’s Door
• Tony’s Kansas City
• Kansas City Kitty
• Bookpusher
• M.Toast
• Noodletown
• Living in the Scoot Utopia
• Heycameraman
• Happy in Bag
• Plaza Jen
• We’re Not in Kansas Anymore, Toto

**I’ve had to edit a couple of times already this morning, but it looks like everything is correct now.  The online version of the article had some details incorrect but they have been fixed.

Today was the big surgery day.  Zach did really well and I did pretty okay myself.  I didn’t get nearly as upset as I thought I would, but I actually give Zach the credit for that one.  He didn’t even cry, except for just a couple of tears when they took him away from me for the surgery.  He is seriously the toughest little kid I have ever known.  Nothing seems to phase him.

I wasn’t timing it, but I would guess that in less than ten minutes after they took him away the doctor came out to tell us he was all finished.  He did tell us that Zach does have yet another ear infection, but with the tubes and some antibiotic ear drops (that he needed anyway with the surgery) it should clear right up. 

Another ten minutes or so later, we were back in the recovery room with him.  He was still a bit droopy, but was happy to see his mama and dada walk through the big doors.  I will admit that my eyes welled up just slightly as we walked through the recovery room doors, but I didn’t cry.  (So what if my 21-month-old son is tougher than me!)

Grandma met us in the waiting room with a Diego beanie baby and Dora balloon which Zach just absolutely loved.  All in all, the whole process took less than two hours from start to finish.  Not bad at all.

After the hospital, we took a detour to Ihop for some breakfast since none of us had eaten anything.  It took Zach a little while to completely wake up, but by the time the rest of us had eaten, he was awake and scarfing down his smiley face chocolate chip pancake.

When we got home, I assumed he would be all snugly and groggy for a while.  I assumed wrong.  He did cuddle up on the couch with me for a while, but about the time I started falling asleep, he decided to get hyper.  He was running all over the place.  He has finally settled down for a nap and I’m thinking maybe I need to do the same.

Dear Zachary,

Please indulge me if I need a little extra cuddling tonight because your mama is a wee bit distraught.  You have no idea what is in store for you tomorrow, but I do and the images going through my head are creating a deep desire to hold you tightly and never let go.

You see, tomorrow morning we will wake up a little earlier than usual.  We will get up and get dressed and everything will seem normal.  You may get a little upset when you ask for your “tock-otte” in your “mock” (milk) and I can’t give it to you, but other than that you won’t see much of a difference.  Then we’ll load up in the car and head to the hospital.

Once we get to the hospital, we’ll have to sign you in.  The nurses will help you get all ready while I try not to have a panic attack.  Eventually, they will give you some medicine that will put you into a very deep sleep.  They will make Mama leave the room when they do that and go off into a waiting room.

While I sit in a far off room trying to distract myself with books, magazines, or knitting, they will take you back into the operating room.  The doctors will make two tiny incisions inside your ears and insert tubes in them.  Hopefully, this will help your ears drain better so that you can quit getting those nasty ear infections that you seem so prone to.  The surgery itself will take less than ten minutes, or so I’m told anyway.  The part that will drive me crazy, is having to sit and wait for you to wake back up afterwards.

The part that is causing me heartache is knowing that you will wake up in a hospital bed, not knowing where you are, and not having your mama anywhere nearby.  I know that fear well, as I have been through it many times.  Even when I was old enough to have an understanding of what was going on, it was still a little scary.

I just want you to know, that as soon as they let me, I will be there by your side to hold you and comfort you.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but someday when you are a parent yourself you will understand.  That instinct to comfort and protect your child is so strong that nothing can hold it back.

So, like I said, I may need a little extra cuddling tonight but I’ll be sure to give you yours tomorrow.

Love,
Mama

Some days I feel so lost.  It is as if I am standing still and time moves on without me.  There seems to be a whirlwind of activity around me, yet I can’t force myself to be a part of it.  Instead I choose to sink into myself, into my own little world where things are calm.  I suppose that is my escape mechanism.  It is how I fend off the feeling of being overwhelmed with life.  When the responsibility and the guilt get to be too much, I run away.  I hide within myself.  That’s where I am today.  Don’t try to find me.