“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”

I couldn’t even tell you how many times I heard that saying when I was a kid.  But I never really cared about things like that back then.  I just said what I wanted, when I wanted - especially when I was fighting with my brother or sister.  Well, either that or I just got really quiet and did something sneaky to piss them off or get them in trouble.  I guess I did actually adhere to the rules sometimes.

The reason I bring that up is because I think that is the whole reason why I can’t seem to write here lately.  I just don’t have anything nice to say and I want this to be a happy place.  I feel like every post I’ve written or started to write lately has been just negative and depressing.  So instead, I run away and avoid dealing with the things that I really need to write about.

There are good, wonderful, happy things happening in my life like Evie cutting her third tooth and giving me the cutest, goofiest smiles in the world but there are also some really sucky things going on like Evie being sick for almost an entire week and Zach having an attitude way bigger than his 3 years should allow.  Not to mention the fact that every single thing I touch right now seems to break or fall apart and I’m getting really behind at work.  All of this negative stuff is just weighing me down and making it hard to concentrate on the good.  I want to think we’re just having a string of bad luck right now but when does it stop?  I know kids get sick and 3-year-olds have attitude, but all of the money we’ve spent either replacing or fixing things here lately is atrocious, especially considering we don’t have any extra money to spend.

The whole money thing?  It really gets to me.  I know times are hard for everyone right now but every single time I finally feel like I’m getting a grip on things financially, something big happens.  Then I get stressed and when I get stressed I spend money.  It is a seriously vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.  The worst part is that I know I do it, yet I do it anyway.

Right now I’m sitting here contemplating whether I should even hit publish.  I really hate writing posts like this because I feel like a total Negative Nancy but I also hate it because it dips a little into the part of me that I always try to hide from the world.  I’m always the positive, happy-go-lucky type of person.  I don’t let things get me down.  Friends at work are constantly amazed at how I can keep my cool even in really stressful situations but in reality it is all a lie.  I just push it down and don’t let my true feelings show because that’s what nice girls do.  Yep, I’m a nice girl - on the outside.

But guess what? Nice girls have real feelings too.

Before I was contacted by the local newspaper and decided to go public with this blog I had a place to deal with my feelings.  It was here.  I wrote whatever I wanted.  (Don’t try searching. Most of those posts have been deleted or are private now).  I didn’t worry about anyone being offended or finding out who I really was.  It was my safe place.  I chose to open it up and share it and I do think it was a good decision.  But now I have no where to go with the bad stuff, the stuff I don’t share with even my closest friends.

When I get stressed I run.  I hide.  Then?  I need change.  I need something new.  I need to find a place to control something in my life because I can’t control the thing that is causing the stress.  Usually it ends with a new hair cut or a shopping spree.  Sometimes it ends in seriously life altering decisions.  Um, this time?  I spent the last three weekends straight working harder than I have ever worked on my house.  I cleaned, sorted, re-arranged, and organized almost my entire house.  I’m not done yet either, but we’re going out of town this weekend so the rest will have to wait.  Granted, it resulted in a new playroom for my kids which we all love, but only now am I realizing what my motivation for all of it was.

As usual I have no idea where I’m going with all of this.  I think I just needed a brain dump.  I needed to get it out there because I’m tired of holding it in.  I’m tired of holding everything in, but I always have a hard time letting it out.  I don’t want people to see the bad stuff.  Instead, I keep it in.  Because that’s what nice girls do.

But this nice girl?  Has really freakin’ adorable kids and that is what gets me by when life otherwise sucks.

So, not that I necessarily need to state the obvious, but I’m not participating in NaBloPoMo this year. I considered it, but I just simply can’t post every day. Heck, I’m lucky to post once a week here lately. I’ll try my hardest to keep up with all of you who are participating, but from the looks of my feed reader right now that isn’t really going to happen either.

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know why I haven’t updated this week. Evie has been one sick little girl and pretty much all of my time has been consumed snuggling and soothing a cranky baby. The girl has been blessed with excellent health up until now so of course when it happened it happened in a big way.

She started running a fever either Sunday night or Monday morning. I though she felt a little warm at day care drop off Monday morning, but brushed it off thinking it was just because the car was a little warm on the way there. By the time I picked her up she was definitely feverish and it hasn’t let up since.

After finding out Tuesday morning that the other baby at day care (2 months younger than Evie) had a confirmed case of Strep, I called the doctor and took Evie in.  Evie tested negative, but continues to show signs of possible Strep so if she’s not better by Friday morning we’re going back to the doctor.

I’ve been trying to cram in as much work as possible from home while Evie naps or (on very rare occasions) plays in the play pen next to me.  Yesterday she graced me with a three hour nap.  Today? Not so much with the napping.  It looks like we’ll be home again tomorrow.  I really hope my boss isn’t getting mad at me for being gone so much.

In other news, we had an excellent Halloween.  We took the kids trick-or-treating around my sister’s neighborhood and then headed over to see my dad and his wife for a bit at a friend’s house.  We caught up with my brother, his wife, and my niece there as well.  Then we went back to my sister’s house for a bit and let the kids play until they were ready to drop.  On the way home Zach said, “Mommy, I LOVE Halloween!”  Then he fell asleep and stayed that way until 10:00 a.m.

Somehow I managed to get totally motivated on Saturday morning.  I started cleaning out our guest/guitar/sewing/junk room to prepare for some re-arranging of furniture.  Then I decided it would be a brilliant idea to pull the nasty carpet up.  I knew there was hard wood underneath it.  I just didn’t know what kind of condition it was in.  There are a few bad spots, but it really isn’t horrible.  I’m really glad that we got rid of the carpet, but my body was not so happy with me.  Hubby wasn’t feeling well so I did the majority of the heavy lifting on my own and I felt every bit of it the next morning.

The re-arranging project is now about halfway complete.  The guest room is now an office/music/craft room with a futon for our occasional overnight guests instead of the full-size bed.  It came in quite handy this week while I’ve been trying to work from home.  The room the computer and desk were in is set to become a play room for the kids as soon as I can finish cleaning up the junk in there, get the carpet cleaned, and actually move the toys.  Unfortunately, Evie being sick has really slowed down my progress this week.  I was hoping to at least get to cleaning the carpet so that by Saturday we could be setting up the toys in there.

So, that’s pretty much where I’m at right now.  I know this was a really long and boring post, but I always feel the need to catch up before I can write anything of substance.  Hopefully once I get finished with my little home makeover project (and Evie is feeling better) I’ll be able to get back to more regular blogging.  Maybe someday I’ll even get Evie’s 7 month letter written, possibly even before she turns 8 months.

My photography skills still need a bit of work, but these kids are absolutely adorable!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the direction my life is headed.  I’ve been feeling very out of control and in need of a bit of structure.  Part of that structure includes getting control of our family budget.  This was supposed to be the month that I tightened things up and started paying a bit more attention to exactly where that money is going.  I’ve been trying really hard to cut down on my spending (no laughing mom!) because I’m the one that does the shopping and always ends up picking up way more than what is on the list.  Yes, I admit to having a problem with that.  Shopping is my escape when everything else in life gets me down.

Just after I made the conscious decision to do this, all kinds of unexpected expenses popped up.  First, there was the cracked windshield.  I didn’t see that as a huge deal, but something that will have to be dealt with eventually.  Then, there was the A/C going out in my car.  We paid $100 for a fix that only worked for two days before it gave out again.  It can wait until Spring/early Summer before it has to be fixed, but it still makes me angry.  Next, my radar detector was stolen and I got a ticket the next day.  The radar detector is a must-have item for me.  Buying a new one is most likely less expensive than the tickets I will rack up without it.

That’s three pretty major unexpected expenses in a short period of time, but that’s not all!  Anyone want to know what happened this weekend?  Our basement drain backed up and our washer broke all in one day.  The drain isn’t a huge issue because we don’t own the house.  My boss (and landlord) will foot the bill for that one but the washer?  That’s one heck of an unexpected expense and one that can’t really wait.  With a baby in the house I do laundry nearly every day and I don’t have time to go to a laundromat.  We haven’t decided whether to try to get the washer fixed (only about 6 yrs old) or to just buy a new one.  I’m guessing a repair bill would be at least half of what a new one would cost anyway and maybe more depending on parts/labor.

We do have a little bit of money back in savings but I was planning to use a little of that for a weekend trip we have coming up (where I’ll finally get to meet my almost 1-year-old niece!) and the rest was being saved up for taxes.  I’m just tired of never having enough money to go around.  I’m tired of living on credit cards and being in debt.  Every time I have the slightest hope of being able to crawl out from this mess we’re in something else happens.

I’m just hoping and praying that nothing else major happens for a while so we can try (once again) to get caught up.